Snape-chat
by Castlerocks
Summary: A series of one shots that contain our favorite snarky potions master, Severus Snape. Embark on a journey of funny, thrilling, and sometimes romantic one shots! You will laugh and cry all at the same time! (Snily, Snarry, Snucius, Snupin)
1. Chapter 1

*** I do not own Harry Potter***

Author note: This is a series of one shots about Snape and his usually snarky self. I wrote this as I went so it might be good or it might be horrible! You tell me! Please review! Check out my other stories! - Castlerocks

One shot: #1

Always a surprise:

"Alright class today we will be making Felix Felicis more commonly known as liquid luck. Now it doesn't grant wishes and isn't a genie in a bottle. It simply makes the user able to determine the right choice over the wrong one. Giving the impression of luck." Professor Snape said as he walked around the room "Now who here can tell me who invented this particular potion?" He said. Like always Hermione Grangers hand shot up in the air. Snape ignored the insufferable know it all and moved to look at his least favorite person in the class "Anyone? No. How about Mr. Potter? Care to join this discussion?" Harry's head snapped up. He seemed to size Snape up before answering "why of course professor." Harry said "well? Who was the inventor? We haven't got all day Potter." Snape said knowing full well that Harry had no idea who invented the potion.

The best thing about Harry potter is that he always seems to have a plan. Harry is full of surprises "Zygmunt Budge invented liquid luck in the 16th century." Harry said, confidence evident in his tone. Shock filtered through Snapes face for a moment but it was quickly dispelled "Use it a lot Potter? While playing quidditch? Admitting cheating to a teacher is bold I'll give you that." Snape said. Harry burst out laughing, shocking most of the class "Good one sir. But no I just read the chapter that's all." Harry said still chuckling.

Snape looked at Harry like he was crazy for a second but he quickly recovered. He moved on "okay. Now liquid luck is tricky to make so everyone will be put into pairs. One of you will attempt the potion while the other will watch over to look for any mistakes. Then you will switch. Be careful! I don't want to send any of you to the hospital wing in a boiling cauldron. The instructions are written on the board and the recipe is on page 27 of your text." He said giving them a sharp look. "Now there is an odd number of students so one lucky student will be working with me." He said with an evil smirk. Everyone seemed to gulp. "How about you Mr. Potter since you've read the chapter and seem to know what your doing." Snape said sarcastically. Harry shrugged and walked over to stand next to Snape. Everyone seemed to take a step back. This was going to be a disaster.

Once everyone was set up Snape instructed them all to begin. Since Snape really didn't need to do the potion Harry obviously got straight to work. He worked quietly and diligently. First preparing all the ingredients and then re-reading the instructions. His work area was clean and he worked slowly but efficiently. Snape gave him room at first but once Harry started to add and mix Snape decided it was his mission to make Harry mess up. He loomed over Harry, reading over the boys shoulder. Getting so close that everyone else in the class who was watching seemed to get uncomfortable. Yet the professor didn't say anything. He didn't even make a single noise. After a while he seemed to give up on making the boy mess up. He made no noise, he didn't loom, and he still didn't say anything. He would point to instructions and give Harry a nod every few minutes but other than that he did nothing. The class seemed to freak out over this. This wasn't the professor Snape that they knew and it was starting to worry them. He hadn't even taken off points yet which was extremely odd.

When everyone was done and they all had their potions bottled. He took time to inspect each one. He noted the ones that were almost perfect and He threw out the ones that were completely botched. He got to Harrys and almost gave a shriek. It was perfect. Nothing was wrong. Nothing at all. He turned toward Harry. "How did you do this? I watched you and I knew you had it right but it still should have been at least slightly off." Snape said trying very hard not to let shock into his voice. Harry gave a small shrug and said "I just read my potions book. It was very easy to follow. Simple and to the point." He picked up his potions book for emphasis. It was an older edition and it looked like it had been worn out. Snape seemed to launch from his chair. "Where did you get that?!" He said while he snatched the book from Harry's hand. "It was on my desk last night and I couldn't stop reading it. I had no idea where it came from it just appeared." Harry said. "It explains so well. It's fantastic! I couldn't put it down!" Harry sort of gushed but then he focused himself. "You wouldn't happen to know the writer who wrote in the book would you sir? He calls himself the Half Blood Prince. He's brilliant!" Harry said. Everyone watched as Snape seemed to have a sort of panic attack but he quickly brought himself together. "I might. but you'll have to keep doing good in my class to receive that information." He said as he reluctantly handed the potions text back to Harry "Much. better." He said and then he must have been feeling ill because he then said " nice job on the potion." He then turned and looked at the class "well what are you waiting for?! Get out! Don't forget to read chapter 2 in your text by next class!" Everyone scrambled for their books and they quickly left his class. Harry was one of the last to leave. He turned to look at Snape who was staring at him. Harry gave a lopsided grin and left.

Outside the classroom Albus Dumbledore stood leaning against a wall. "Did he take the bait?" He asked as Harry stood next to him. "Absolutely!" Harry said. "Good job my boy! This way you'll both get along more easily. Don't forget to keep bringing up how much you like the book. By next week I'll have him convinced to teach you occlumency." Dumbledore said his eyes twinkling madly. "It's actually very good. Much better than the way he teaches. He should start following his own instructions." Harry said as he eyed the book in his hand. Dumbledore smiled "be careful. Don't use any of the spells that you don't know in the book. You might find a dark surprise or something worse." Harry looked wide eyed at the headmaster "It was Severus' rebellious teenage years when he wrote that... Who knows what's in there. Just be careful." Dumbledore said as he slid away... Creepy. Harry just looked at the book and shrugged 'what could go wrong' he told himself as he stuffed it in his bag. He then started to run toward transfiguration hoping that he wouldn't be late.

*** That is it! Tell me what you think! REVIEW!*** -Castlerocks


	2. Chapter 2

*** I do not own Harry Potter! I wish I did but I don't! ***

/ WARNING! THIS STORY IS NOT A HAPPY ONE! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION! MENTIONS OF DRINKING AND HARM! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED! /

Snape- Chat

One-shot #2: WHY ME?!

It was a dark and gloomy night at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. The Third Task had ended leaving Cedric Diggory dead and the discovery of Barty Crouch Jr, uncovered.

The Dark Lord was apparently back _'of course he is back'_ Snape thought bitterly.

 _'_ _How could he not be'_ Snape thought as he unknowingly rubbed his mark. His mark had flared back to life as soon as the Dark Lord had been reborn, he could feel it.

So here sat Snape in his quarters on the night his former Master had been brought back to life with a bottle of Firewhiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other. _'Whoever said that drinking couldn't solve your problems was obviously, lying.'_ Snape told himself as he took another swing of alcohol. He savored the stinging feeling going down his throat. He wanted to be numb and to not be able to feel the pain.

A single a tear trekked its way down Snapes face. He set down the whiskey to reach up to wipe it away but he didn't. "You don't cry Severus," he told himself as he covered his face with his hand trying to force himself to be reserved but he couldn't stop the sobs as they made their way up his throat. He sat there for the better part of an hour crying, drinking, and smoking wondering what he done in a past life to deserve this punishment.

Dumbledore had always told him that this day would come. The Day he would have to start spying again and put his life in constant danger by placing himself within the ranks of the Death Eaters. He never would have thought this day would come so soon… or did he? He always knew deep down in his cold black heart that Voldemort was never truly gone.

But what made this feel so different? Why did this hurt so much? He wasn't scared of dying. He had no one who would miss him if he died… that was the problem. No one would miss him because the only person that had ever cared for him was already dead, Lily. He would forever regret causing her death.

"I can't do this! I just can't!" he told himself as he stopped crying.

He shook his head as he felt the tears coming back "you don't cry! No matter how hard it gets you don't cry!" he yelled to himself.

He stood up and began to pace. "This is all just a dream, a nightmare. That's all it is. You'll wake up and it will all be a dream." He told himself trying to calm himself down but he didn't wake up. He grabbed the whiskey bottle and threw it at the door that was the entrance to his quarters. He was so angry, with life, with himself, and with the world. "Why me?!" he asked himself over and over again as he slid to the floor. He was done. Done with trying and failing. He had tried to be nice and good but that had just brought him heartache.

His whole life had been utter shit. It wasn't his fault that he was brought up in an unloving environment, that he didn't have nice clothes, and that he was bullied. He knew that he had done some stupid stuff in his life and had screwed up more times than he could count but he deserved happiness at least a little bit. Lily had made him happy. She was there for him when no one else was. But he had to go and screw it up by calling her a Mudblood. He hadn't meant it. He was being humiliated and tormented he couldn't stop himself from calling her that. He knew it wasn't right. He knew he deserved not being talked to again but that doesn't mean that he doesn't regret what he said and did every day of his life. He loved her. Scratch that he loves her. To this day he still loves her.

He sobered up quickly and wiped his face. He knew what he had to do. What needed to be done. His life wasn't shitty at all. He was just simply in the wrong place. He needed to see Lily again and apologize for all he had done. He was done being the victim and feeling sorry for himself. He couldn't change the past but did have control of his future. He owed himself something. This was him taking back his life and making his own choice, damn the consequences.

He had been a good puppet for a long time. Done whatever was asked of him and he never once complained. He had tried to protect the last trace of the women he had ever loved, Harry. The boy was growing up into a man and he didn't need a protector any longer.

He knew how his story would end. There was no other way around it. He would eventually get himself killed. Probably by Lord Voldemort who would eventually discover his loyalty to Dumbledore. That would be his end. Tortured and then killed by the hands of a mad man.

The only real thing he had control of was his death. How and when he would go. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be a coward. He just wanted to be, to be in peace and to see Lily again.

He quickly grabbed a spare bit of parchment and wrote a quick note and signed his name. He then proceeded to his bedroom. He grabbed the picture frame on the wall and smashed it. He took the picture out of lily and but it in his breast pocket. This was his decision. He didn't care what people would think when they found him because he would be with his lovely Lily again.

This was the right thing… this was his decision he kept telling himself as he walked to the closet. He took off his belt and grabbed a chair. He stood in his closet on top of the chair as he tied his belt to the poll. He tightened the makeshift noose around his neck and took a deep breath.

He kicked the chair…

Dumbledore opened the door to Snapes quarters.

"Severus are you in here?... someone reported a loud banging coming from your quarters… Severus?" he asked as he walked in stepping on the broken glass on the floor. Dumbledore began to get worried. He knew Snape had a problem with handling certain situations… Voldemort had just been reborn Snape must have been felling down but he just hoped that the man hadn't done something too rash.

Dumbledore looked around and hoped to see Snape. When he didn't see anyone he figured the man wasn't home and was about to turn away when a letter caught his eye. He quickly strode over and read the letter addressed to whom it may concern. As he read the content of the letter his stomach dropped and he thought he was going to be sick. He began looking frantically for Severus.

"SEVERUS?! WHERE ARE YOU?" he screamed as he began to run toward Snapes bedroom. He walked in and nearly screamed. Severus was hanging from a belt in his closet his whole face was blue. He ran over to the young man and cut him down. Snape fell to the ground with a thud 'please don't let him be dead!' Dumbledore told himself as he looked for a pulse. When he found a faint one he breathed a sigh of relief but he quickly pulled out his wand and sent a patronus to Poppy asking her to floo to Severus' quarters as soon as possible. He prayed that she got here soon. He feared for Snapes life. The young man was like a son to him. He didn't think he could handle loosing Snape. He knew the man had always been depressed and gloomy over Lily but he never thought that he was capable of doing this… he just hoped that the man would make it through because if he didn't then Dumbledore wouldn't have anything to live for.

Many of the teachers would be devastated if Snape died. They all loved him and looked out for him. He was the youngest so they treated him like he was their child. They knew Snape cared about them in his own special way but they would never forgive themselves if the young man died and they would surely blame themselves for not helping him.

Dumbledore held Severus in his arms and promised that if Snape lived that he would help Severus and be there for him more. He promised that Snape wouldn't have to do anything he didn't want to so long as the man lived. Albus felt tears streaming down his face but he couldn't help it. He wept and held the man in his arms and screamed out to God asking "Why?!" Until Poppy got there. She was able to help stabilize Severus. She then sedated him and moved him to the Hospital Wing a few hours later.

He was alive… for now. Who knew what he would try and attempt in the future but whatever happened Dumbledore and the whole staff would be able to hopefully pull him away from the cliff… hopefully.

*** That is it! I'm sorry if it was not nice or good! This is based off of my own thoughts and experience and something I thought that Snape would actually try and attempt but I know he would never take that way out. I have had this story in my head for months but was never able to put it down on paper… even when I started it I couldn't ever finish it so I hope you enjoyed reading it! Until next time! *** -Castlerocks


	3. Chapter 3

* I do not own Harry Potter! I am not J.K. Rowling! This is just a funny story to make us laugh! I can totally see Dumbledore and McGonagall playing pranks on Snape *

Snape-chat

One-shot #3 (Sometime during Half Blood Prince)

"Why do I have to be the one to do this?" Severus said with annoyance evident in his tone.

Albus Dumbledore was sitting in his office chair with his shirt off and holding a tub of wax in his blackened hand.

"Severus who else would I ask?" Dumbledore asked. His eyes were twinkling and he looked nervous.

"Uhhh… maybe Minerva? Honestly I don't have the time or the stomach to do this." Snape said with disgust. He was tempted to just walk out but he didn't feel like storming out today. He decided that he should at least hear Dumbledore out.

"Please Severus. You are the only person who I can ask to do this. One because you're a man and two because you're my friend." Albus said with sincerity.

Severus seemed to be having a debate in his mind and but after a few seconds he reluctantly agreed to do what Dumbledore was asking of him.

"Alright… okay but if I do this you have to promise me that we will never speak of this ever again." Snape said glaring at the stubborn old man.

" I promise." Dumbledore said and Snape nodded.

Snape took his cloak off and violently snatched the wax from Dumbledore. He set a warming charm on the wax and grabbed the wax strips from the top of the desk.

"Where am I putting this on again? And if you say it's a bikini wax I will walk out of here and never talk to you ever again."

Dumbledore chuckled "On my chest and my back please."

"Very well. Brace yourself." Snape said as he began to spread the hot wax on to Dumbledore's back afterward he put a wax strip on top and rubbed.

"Are you ready?" Snape asked and Dumbledore nodded as he closed his eyes.

"1… 2… 3…" and then Snape ripped. Dumbledore muffled a yell.

"One down and a lot left." Snape commented as he looked at the hairy back of his boss. He still didn't understand why he was doing this. If McGonagall walked in on this he was sure he would die of embarrassment.

"Keep going." Dumbledore said as he waited for Snape to continue.

Snape shook his head and started to spread more wax and to rip. With each rip Dumbledore screamed more and more. By the end of his back he couldn't take it any longer…

"1… 2… 3…" Snape warned.

"Ahhh mother f-… LEMON DROP." Dumbledore yelled.

Snape felt very guilty but it was also very satisfying to see Dumbledore in pain. The man acted like he was invincible but he was human just like everyone else. At Dumbledores last exclamation professor McGonagall came bursting into the room, wand drawn.

"What the devil is going on?!" she exclaimed as she looked at Snape standing over a half naked Dumbledore holding a tub of wax. She looked confused for a second but then she put her wand away and walked toward the potions master.

"If I had know we were having a girls day I would have asked you to wax my legs" she said as she lifted up her dress to show her stubbly legs.

At that announcement Snape shrieked and ran from the room. As soon as he left McGonagall and Dumbledore burst out laughing.

"Oh my dear that was quite funny! You should have seen his face when I asked him. I was certain he would refuse but alas he didn't!" Dumbledore said as he wiped a tear from his eye. He continued to chuckle for several minutes and McGonagall had to take deep breathes to finally calm down.

"You'll have to show me the memory!" McGonagall stated as she sat down.

"But I do say he did a marvelous job… my back feels so smooth…" Dumbledore commented as he tried to rub his back.

"We'll have to get him to do the rest later" Dumbledore said as he touched his hairy chest.

McGonagall nodded "Thank God. That way I don't have to do it!"

Dumbledore turned to glare at her "what is that supposed to mean Minnie?"

McGonagall blushed and got up "Uhhh… NOTHING! I have to go… we'll talk later…" she said as she backed out of the room.

Dumbledore sat there and gave a hearty laugh… he would surely miss these moments with Severus and Minerva once he was gone…

* In memory of Alan Rickman*


	4. Chapter 4: A Mad Woman

*** I do not own Harry Potter. Please leave a review, follow, and favorite this story! ***

Snape- chat #4

A Mad woman:

It was a quite Sunday morning at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. The grounds were sparkling with the morning sun and the air seemed to whistle around the grand castle. It was simply breath taking.

The inhabitants of said castle were occupying the Great Hall and spoke in hushed tones, more like whispers. It was nice Sunday morning compared to the busy and loud breakfast of the weekdays. The professors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were enjoying the relatively quite morning. Especially the dour Potions Master, Severus Snape. Who at the moment was suffering a hangover after a guy's night with the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. How Dumbledore could look so cheerful after a wild night like that was beyond him.

Snape was comfortable with the quite breakfast and would have hoped to not have to deal with students or conflicts until Monday morning. His hope however was quickly disbanded when the heavy double doors of the Great Hall were banged opened.

In came the wildest looking women that everyone had ever seen. She was a tall smug looking witch with long straight blonde hair who had on bright purple robes that had ugly green sunflowers on them that made Dumbledore's outfit look normal. She seemed to not care at all that she looked mad with her eye blinding robes as she stalked up to the head table and plopped herself next to the Potions Master.

The Hall seemed to freeze as everyone including the professors looked at the women and wondered whom she was and what she was doing here. Dumbledore was the first to recover.

"Ah! Penelope! How lovely it is to see you again. I hope you slept well." Dumbledore said in a friendly tone.

"I did Headmaster thank you for asking. Would you be so kind as to pass the strawberries?" she said in a sweet whispery voice.

"Certainly my dear here you go." he said as he levitated the strawberry bowl over to the women who was making herself a parfait.

Everyone turned to look at the headmaster with a questioning gaze.

" Um… Headmaster would you be kind enough as to tell us who this… uh women is?" McGonagall asked.

" Well of course Minerva dear but it is not my place. Perhaps Severus would like to introduce her?" Dumbledore said as he turned to look at Snape who was to his right.

Snape looked confused. He seemed to debate within himself then he lowered his tone and turned to look at the headmaster "Sir, I do not know this women…"

Dumbledore looked shocked and in a high tone he said " BUT OF COURSE YOU DO MY BOY!"

Snape continued to look confused.

" My boy! How much did you drink last night? Surely you remember Penelope. You were quite enamored with her last night." Dumbledore said with a sly tone and a wink.

Snape vomited a little as he turned to look at the creepy looking women sitting next to him trying to get his attention by licking her spoon in a non appropriate way… he shuddered.

"You are highly mistaken Headmaster. I think it is you who drank too much." Snape said as he turned back toward the headmaster.

Dumbledore had a sly look as he continued to look at Snape and Penelope.

Snape just ignored the look and went back to eating his breakfast. How a day could go from bad to horrible in a matter of minutes was beyond him. Penelope continued to give him not so appropriate looks all throughout breakfast. He was just about to tell her to redirect her gaze when the doors to the Great Hall burst open once more and in came Sirius Black looking quite serious and upset.

"Snape! I want a word!" he yelled across the hall as he moved toward the faculty table. He looked mutinous.

"What is the matter now dog?" Snape spat at the man. He was in no mood for games. The rest of the hall watched as Sirius stalked up to the high table and stood right in front of Snape. They were practically nose-to-nose.

"Don't answer him Severus he is just jealous." Penelope said from nowhere as she put an arm around Snape.

Snape to no avail tried to pull away from the mad women.

"You get away from my women right now!" Sirius said.

"I completely agree with you! I will!" Snape said as he tried again to pull away from the crazy girl.

" I mean it Snape! She is mine! I will beat you to a pulp if you do not get your greasy hands off of her this instant!"

"You can have her! Just help me get her … OFF!" snape yelled as he bucked and pulled his arm away from the crazy lady.

"But… but… Severus I love you! What about the magical night we had together!"

"You are delusional and need help!" snape spat at her.

She started to cry. Sirius looked even angrier.

" How dare you speak to her like that? I've had enough of you snape! First you take advantage of my women!" snape snorted. Siruis continued as though he didnt hear "then you insult me and her! Just who the hell do you think you are?!" Sirius finished the last part with a yell that had the whole hall shocked into silence.

Snape got up and glared down at the wild man "I honestly have no idea what you are insinuating. I have never seen this woman in my life and you should just take this wild woman and get the hell out of here! To claim that I have taken advantage of any women is an insult and I have no intention of taking anymore of this abuse." He said as he moved away from his seat.

"Now if you will excuse me Headmaster I have papers to grade." Snape said as he bowed to Dumbledore. As he walked to the entrance hall he felt the eyes of everyone on him. He heard a slap and he turned to see Penelope smack Sirius more than once. She yelled in his face about how inconsiderate he was and she turned and started to chase after snape.

"We are through Sirius Black! I'm with snapey now!" she screamed as she went to try and hold snape but he groaned and started to walk faster. The student in the great hall sniggered at their potions master and sympathized with him as he was now being tackled by a mad woman. She held him around the waist and tried to kiss him but he moved and got up.

"GET OFF OF ME THIS INSANT!" snape yelled and she tried to jump on him again.

" BUT I LOOOOOVVVVEEE YOU!" she yelled and tried to kiss him but he blocked her and casted a stinging hex at her. He bound her with rope and left her in the middle of the great hall. His headache had now reached an extreme peak and he stalked out of the hall to the sanctuary of the dungeons. Everyone laughed as he walked out and he realized as he turned around that he had again been subjected to another one of Dumbledore's ridiculous pranks. Now tied up where Penelope used to be was none other than Remus Lupin wearing ridiculous purple robes. He had apparently used polyjuice potion to mess with snape. He huffed as he planned his revenge… yes they would all pay… 'Mwhahahah' he added in his head but he soon regretted it because it made his head hurt more… he hated how they all pranked him. Yes they would all pay. He would make sure of that.

*** I absolutely loved writing this one shot… I don't know why I wrote it but I felt like we all needed a laugh after the passing of Alan Rickman… Please leave a review and suggestion for another Snape one-shot! *** -Castlerocks


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